The Heart Does What It Wants

This is going to be a long one. It’s been over a month since I’ve made an appearance here, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with the whirlwind of it all. Last month, I had a long conversation with BC about my dating life and ended my lengthy diatribe with the statement, “I don’t know why I say that I want love, when I just want everyone who likes me to leave me alone.” He laughed.

He knows me too well. Because the world waits for the right time to laugh at my plans, the following weekend I went to see my MiniMe, the ex’s little sister, graduate from college. I was nervous- the ex and the entire family would be there, but I couldn’t miss her big day just because I didn’t want to face them. I found my seat, took 100 pictures of her crossing the stage and then looked up into the balcony. There they were. The ex mother-in-law, the new girlfriend, the brother and… no ex. It turns out, he had been out drinking the night before and just no-showed. His own sister’s graduation.

While I find it difficult to be shocked by his thoughtlessness, this was a new low. Then I ran into his new girlfriend out front trying to explain to MiniMe that he was “sick” and couldn’t make it. And my heart opened up. His new girlfriend isn’t my biggest fan, but in that moment I thought, “Poor her. I know how that feels trying to make excuses for him.” Empathy. I hugged her and wished them all a great celebration.

The next week, the ex called unexpectedly. I imagine he expected a rant about graduation and he’d made some excuse about needing to pick up some papers he’d forgotten in a box in my basement. And then, he started in on his usual “I want to be friends,”  speech. And I took a deep breath. And calmly explained that I wished him no ill will, but I never wanted to be his friend. That my friends are people who treat me well and that he had never bothered to do so. That his need to know how I am is, as usual, about him and has nothing to do with me. I wished him well and ended the call. It was like finishing War and Peace, the entire plot wrapped up and I closed the cover solidly with a thud. It was finished.

And then, because the world works in bizarre hippie-dippie ways that I make every attempt to deny, something happened. Or rather, someone.

And here’s where all of those awful clichés about finding the one when you least expect it, and missing what is right in front of you, and working on you so that you can be ready when the right one comes along, slam into me. I hate all of those pieces of advice. I’m a planner. I like being the one making things happen. I like to see things all laid out in front of me and know exactly what’s coming. Life says HA to all of that.

It just so happens, that while I was wandering around just being me for the past few months, I got noticed. And because I am a guppy in a paper cup when it comes to thinking anyone could like me, I had no idea. BC and I would go out to happy hour, I would run into my neighbors out in the neighborhood, and all of a sudden everywhere I went, I kept running into the same person. The same woman everywhere I went. And it just so happened that she and I had gone to the same college. And that she shared work clients with BC. And that she kept buying me drinks and wanting to hear all about me.

And because a) she is a she after all (not that it’s a first, but still), and b) she is profoundly cool and smart and liked by everyone I know, I missed every signal. But then , she offered to walk me home one night. Friday the 13th, no less. And while we were standing on my stoop talking, I looked over at her and she blushed. And then…. I got it. I am so slow sometimes. And when I had a poetry reading the next week, she asked if she could come. And I ignored her. I was awful. She hung around in the background while I talked to my friends and thanked people for coming, and I didn’t introduce her to anyone. I was horrible.

And she handed me a red pen as a congratulations gift and said, winking, “Even mistakes can be fun, sometimes.” And then she didn’t call me for a week. And I thought I was totally off the hook. I was relieved. I saw her out a few times and she kept her polite distance. But every one of my friends who met her started a campaign. I couldn’t go two days without hearing how great she was. I agreed, and then said it would never work out.

But Pride weekend was coming and she knew BC, his boyfriend, and I would be at every event. So, she sidled up to me at the bar and offered to get me a beer. And I politely declined and told her I had no interest in having a girlfriend. Period. She asked if she could say hi if she saw me over the weekend, and I agreed. And she left. And the next day when I ran into her again, she said that she had no interest in being my girlfriend, but wanted to go to dinner. And then, met me at the concert. And then went to the same party I did, at my invitation. And over and over again, everyone who met her had nothing but wonderful things to say about her.

And no matter how hard I tried to find a reason not to like her, not to spend time with her, to figure out what was wrong with her for liking me so much, I just couldn’t do it. She’s brilliant. She’s a professional do-gooder. She’s hilarious and likes wild, late night adventures as much as I do, but pays all of her bills and takes care of her responsibilities like a grown up. She’s good to little kids and loyal to her friends. She draws, and plays music, and loves her family. She has great manners and is a killer soccer goalie. She’s got gorgeous eyes. And she thinks I was worth the wait.

Oh yeah, and she’s a redhead. And so far, she makes me very, very happy.



Filed under LGBTQ, Relationships

23 responses to “The Heart Does What It Wants

  1. This is awesome. I’m so glad you’ve found someone who not only is great herself, but also knows how great you are. Yay!

  2. So lovely and hopeful! Congratulations to both of you!!!

  3. very cool. congratulations! 🙂

  4. Marriagecoach2

    I don’t think you’ve been paying attention to my counseling! I thought I told you how great I am at this, which I was very clear about as I counseled you.

    I hope I am not bring too assumptive when I suggest that you and your bisexbian girlfriend are engaging in intimate engagements – if that is the case, please be absolutely certain that both (yes, both!) of you use adequate birth control measures! If you do not, the results, as you know, could be disastrous!

    If either of you gets the other pregnant, you will almost certainly have a girlbaby, which are almost always trisexual. You are both redheads, which means the girlbaby will have the power to control fire with her mind and twice as many vaginas as a regular girl! That’s at least 18 vaginas!!!

    I suggest you think very hard about your decision – but nor while you’re perioding! As you know, the likelihood of having a girlbaby goes up by sixty seven percent if the mother or the mother engages in any strenuous mental exercises during the time when her uterust is crying. Also, she might also become a werewolf.

    More to the point, how are you going to meet the right man if you date a woman?! I have so much trouble getting that through to the lesbians I counsel that you’d think they were humans!

    At least tell me she brushes your hair!

  5. Dana Bee

    so happy for you, lovely lady. because you deserve the love and it’s about time you let yourself have it 😀 Never forget that you, too, are awesome.


  6. Christina

    So incredibly happy for you! I’ve missed you here in cyberspace but am so glad it was for a great reason

  7. That’s wonderful! As your flat-reared, red-headed, name-sharing, Atlantean-cousin, I support you no matter what! And those of us that need that many hyphens to describe ourselves should always stick together. 😉

  8. I’m so happy for you guys!

  9. Wow. Talk about a jaw-drop! If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you!

  10. Congratulations!
    I’m so happy you’re happy!

  11. I especially loved this part: “I’m a planner. I like being the one making things happen. I like to see things all laid out in front of me and know exactly what’s coming. Life says HA to all of that.”

    I’m so glad to hear how happy you are and how great she is! Love, in any form, is worth the time and energy put into it, and it sounds like she put in quite a bit to catch your eye! I hope things work out and the memories you make and lessons you learn will be fabulously uplifting and worth the risk you feel you’re taking by letting someone in. 🙂

  12. I really REALLY enjoyed reading this. I say HOORAY for happiness and love and mushy stuff and being treated like you deserve by someone who deserves to be treated the same way.

    I couldn’t be happier for you that you found another person who makes you very happy and thought you were worth the wait.

  13. i have read your blog for a long long time but haven’t checked in for a while (though do enjoy your tweets or whatever the kids call it these days). what a happy moment to land on! happy happiness!

  14. jeanniekay

    Ok…did I miss something here? Did this come as a total surprise to you (that you could not only be attracted to a woman, but also enter into a relationship with one)?? I’m so very, very happy for you, but gobsmacked.

    Love comes to us in all kinds of wrappings. I guess you never know what’s in the box (no pun intended) until you open it up!!!

    • Not a total shock. I did have a girlfriend in college and generally consider myself fairly dead-center on the spectrum. In the realm of you’ll find what you want when you stop looking, this was a total shock. She’s all the check-boxes on my list in a package I hadn’t thought to look in. I couldn’t be happier.

  15. Effing rad. I am thrilled for you and your swoony happiness!!

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