Today for the 30 days of truth, something I love about myself. Things have been so weird lately, that I have to admit it took me longer to think something up than I would like. Sure, I like that I have huge hair and am fairly good at Jeopardy, but that hardly seemed to get to the heart of the matter. I love that I love books and can cook a decent chicken and dumplings. Again, hardly the stuff that Truth-with-a-capital-T is made of.
But when it comes down to it, no matter how many times I’ve ended up on the raw end of the deal, I love that I am loyal. That if I promise to be there for someone, I do it. With the ex, it came back to bite me. I gave my loyalty to someone and they took it for granted that they could treat me badly and I would still stay. And I did. Much longer than I should have in my own best interests. But, I had made a promise to stick by someone and I kept it.
I’m not indiscriminate with my loyalty. If I had to boil it down, I would guess there are maybe five people in the world that get the full treatment. But for any one of them, I would get in a knife fight. OK. I’m actually probably a horrible knife-fighter. I’ve never even been in a fistfight, so adding weapons would only make it harder. But I’d try if they needed me to. Or find someone bigger and stronger and make them do it on my behalf. Luckily, my top five are also hardly the knife-fighting type, so I think we’ve all had a big win here.
The hard part is when I feel like I’m being loyal and through miscommunication or confusion or just the random craziness of life, I end up hurting or irritating or being adrift from someone who I had the best possible intentions toward. When that happens, I feel confused and I push back, clingier, trying to hang on and love the person better than I have. Even when I’m forgiven, it can be hard to forgive myself for hurting someone I love.
Nonetheless, I’m proud of myself for being loyal. I’m proud of myself for trying over and over again to trust that people deserve my loyalty and for being the kind of friend I’d like to have in my corner if things got ugly. I love my messy, imperfect, loyal self.