When things change drastically, I have a tendency to go from zero to ohmygodwe’reallgonnadie pretty quickly. Lately, this has been a challenge because life seems to be one giant change sandwich with an extra helping of change on the side and an ice-cold change to drink. There are rumors my job may be eliminated or transferred to another city. BC is busy with his lovely new man, so I’ve barely seen hide nor hair of him for the last month. I’m still waiting for what I hope will be good news from my doctor. My schedule, which used to be pretty go-with-the-flow, is now pencilled in to the minute with events and meetings and double-bookings almost every night. I’m in a writing workshop and sharing my work with non-anonymous people for the first time in a long while. The temperature has dropped twenty degrees in the last week.
So, I’m a little… challenged… lately. You see, given the choice, unless I am in physical pain, I would like everything to stay exactly the way it always has been. To keep myself in that box where I’m comfortable, maybe adding a pleasant new thing every few months when I get around to it. But the way things are going lately, there seems to be a master plan afoot to tip the box over, dump me on the street, and force me to get up and get moving.
So, since the 30 days of truth today calls for something you hate about yourself, here it is. Instead of greeting the dawn every morning like a warrior, when things get crazy like this, I shut down entirely. I get so tense not to screw up that I end up looking like a crazy person, storming out of conversations, sniffling on conference calls (thank you mute button), watching sad movies and listening to sad songs on repeat mourning whatever old way is gone. My name is Eleanor, and I’m an overly dramatic moper.
The downside to all of this is that just when I want to vent to people about how crazy my life is making me, I become the most miserable person to be around, so I can’t blame people for not wanting to spend time with my hysterical self. Which starts the spiral of ohmygodwe’reallgonnadie all over again, because now I’m paranoid that I’ve blown something else again. It’s delightful really. And I pile on even more to my to-do list so that I can prove to myself that I can do it all, that I’m not crippled by having so much on my plate.
Single Dad Laughing recently posted about the fact that so many of us feel the need to appear “perfect” to the outside world and that by covering up all the things that are wrong, it perpetuates the cycle, because other people don’t realize that we’re all human, that we all go through things that nobody who sees us on a daily basis knows is going on.
So, in the interest of being real, here’s my confession: I’m terrified.
- I’m terrified that my job will be eliminated or transferred and I haven’t saved nearly enough money to ride out being unemployed.
- I’m terrified that I won’t be able to have a child.
- I’m terrified that I’ve acted so ridiculously lately that my best friend doesn’t want to see me because I’m no fun anymore, but doesn’t want to tell me because it will hurt my feelings.
- I’m terrified that I’ll take my writing seriously for once and it won’t be any good.
And that fear, right now, that fear is the thing that I hate about myself.