On Not Dating, Or Why Chastity is the New Black

Lady Gaga’s doing it. Or rather not doing it.  So, I’m assuming it’s the cool new trend. And I love to be on top of the latest styles. So, to stay stylish, I haven’t been on top of anyone. Or in any other arrangement with anyone. I woke up one day and realized that I haven’t so much as kissed anyone in six months (minus cheek kisses from gay men). Yep. It snuck up on me, and all of a sudden, I’m chaste.

Does it count as chastity if it was an unintentional thing? Because I didn’t make any concrete plans to go this long on my own. I did give myself a firm talking to about not dating anyone – I’m just not very good at it and I need some time after  the disaster of my last relationship  to organize my luggage before I try to share that baggage with anyone else. And unlike my boozy twenties, in my boozy thirties I’d rather go home alone at the end of the night than make new friends.

And that’s the other piece. After two long-term relationships back-to-back, I woke up one day and realized I had barely been single for the last eight years. And when I was, I was dating. Now, I’m just me. And man, I really like it. If the house is a mess, there’s no one to blame but myself. If I want to spend the whole day reading in silence, or surfing the internet, or have fruit and whipped cream for dinner, no one else gets a vote. There’s no one getting irritated by my habit of piling reading material into potential avalanches on every surface or only dusting what I can see (anything over 5 feet high gets a pass).

I never bothered to live alone before. I moved from my parents’ house into a series of roommate situations, then in with BC, in with the cop I dated, back to being roommates with BC, and then the ex-fiance’. But never just me. Now when I go home to my very own place, everything is exactly how I left it – a little cluttered, but mine all mine. I’m really revelling in this time in my life. I know I’m an “adult,” but taking care of me all by myself makes me feel like a grown-up.

And now that it’s started, I don’t know how long this dry spell will go. I’m not out looking for anyone. I’m not even trying to talk to new people. And at this point, if someone asked me out, I would probably say no. I like being alone for now. I like figuring out me.

When I realized the six month mark had passed, I mentioned it to BC who asked if I was ok with that. I thought for a minute and then said… yes.

Yes I am.



Filed under Daily Life, Relationships, Soul Searching

6 responses to “On Not Dating, Or Why Chastity is the New Black

  1. Ris

    I think living alone is a valuable experience. I hated it at first but now I love having my own place. I feel so capable because it’s just me (and sometimes the landlord) when a lightbulb is out or a spider needs to be disposed of.

  2. I think it’s great. It’s so good for you to live alone and focus on yourself and do what you want. Glad you’re getting that experience!

  3. Funny you would post this today, I was sort of analyzing my celibacy last night! Although mine is…not by choice entirely 🙂 I mean, I COULD sleep with someone if I lost all standards, which I’ve been seriously tempted to do, but come on…that’s what vibrators are for right?!

    PLUS living alone is a luxury everyone should know!! I’m so enraptured by living alone, I wonder if when I find that hypothetical husband, he’ll need to live in the guesthouse. (In this dream, we also have a guesthouse)

  4. KristenD

    My 8th grade Social Studies teacher told me that in order to truly appreciate your own life you need to 1. Live alone 2. Live with a roommate 3. Work in a factory and 4. Work in a restaurant. I’m sure that within your 52 jobs (or whatever it was) you’ve done 3 and 4 (though I can’t be sure) and you said you’ve done 2 several times, so now you’re embracing 1. 🙂 I agree, I liked having my own space too. Also, I had fruit and whipped cream for dinner last night, and my fiance just laughed at me and grabbed a fork. So I guess there are some things you don’t have to give up if you find the right person.

  5. I love this post! It’s funny and so true. I don’t know where the time goes but then yes one day you realize how long you’ve been single for and you think, huh, how did that happen? But glad to hear you’re enjoying this time, the time before “the one” introduces himself to you.

  6. Off2cdwzrd

    Yay for you! It’s cool, isn’t it… spending whole days doing what you want, reading what you want, eating what you want, sleeping when you want. I, too, am learning the living alone thing after 18 years with my parents, 1 year in a dorm, 2 years living with my boyfriend which turned into 17 years of living with him as my husband, followed by 3 months living with a girlfriend, and 7 years living with my boyfriend. Although said boyfriend and I still have weekend “benefits,” he now goes home on Sunday nights, leaving me alone in MY apartment. My first apartment. At age 45 – go figure.

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