How to Take the Low Ground

After months where I thought I’d gotten ahold of myself, I managed to be in the same bar with the ex and having a decent conversation. We talked about work, writing, slam poetry, and then moved on to the Gap sponsorship deal. And that’s where the conversation unravelled. He asked for stats to justify the move, and then, as if in a web 2.0 bolt of lightening, realized that all these years, someone’s been reading what I wrote. And promptly got pissy.

I explained that I write anonymously, that almost no one who reads me knows who I am, that I don’t write with names, that I write for me and that all of you are just gravy on the boat of putting how I feel written the way I feel it out in the universe. And all of a sudden, it occurred to him that someone reads this. That my good and bad behavior and his is out there on the internet for people to read. And I was the bad guy all of a sudden.

And here, after all these months, I am, feeling like crap, like everything that has happened is my fault somehow, because of a website he thought was a joke for years. Being the upstanding citizen that I am, and a queen of passive aggression, I promptly threw every other girl along the way in his face.

And now, I’m here. At home alone in the dark, with only the screen in front of me. And I have to make this stand. My words are my words. I put them out there, largely to readers I’ve never met. But, I am honest. I put the ugly and the real out there, even when I don’t come out smelling like roses. And to him, this is probably just one more reason that every girl in the world looks more attractive to him than me. But I claim this ground. This is my one square inch of space in the world, and if I look bad in the telling of it, or he does, it is what it is.    

And I refuse to apologize. It is my life. And I can only tell it from my perspective. But in the darkest moments, this is sometimes all I have- my own spare space to put it out there- ugly and all. I am me. And I’ll be damned if the anxiety of someone who showed so little interest until now will keep me silent. I am me. I write. I vent. And I have been wronged. Hear me roar.

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10 Comments

Filed under Daily Life, Relationships

10 responses to “How to Take the Low Ground

  1. billybob

    Keep roaring!

  2. Monica

    You don’t have to explain yourself to this guy. Ever.

  3. Gigi

    When people are guilty they get very defensive. That is what’s happening here. He knows that he bad behavior has been documented…as it should be. Jerk. Never let him make you feel bad. You are awesome!

  4. You are totally right. Nobody is perfect, but maybe the problem is that he shouldn’t do things that he’s embarrassed to have other people, even complete strangers, know about.

  5. This is a tough one. I get what you’re saying but I wouldn’t dwell on it longer than this post, because…

    He’s got a couple of things going on. Anger and jealousy. He’s angry that people are reading about you and your life and jealous that people care enough to read about you and your life. He’s going to realize that he wronged someone that other people, complete strangers, care enough about to “tune in” daily.
    He has perked up and taken notice of your voice and he’s trying to make you feel ashamed of it because that’s his defense. Don’t give in to his defense. Keep your head up and show him you’re the shiz.
    XOXO

  6. Don’t know this guy but known many many a crazy, so here’s my take: He has such different values than you ( maybe none?), so there really is no way that you can please him or meet with his approval while being true to yourself. It’s no failing on your part-we’re not supposed to be everything for every person. And the fact that he can’t bear the anonymous internet to know that some anonymous person (because I have no idea who your are or who he is) cheated on his fiancee–when he actually did it–just reflects how troubled and conflicted and perhaps valueless he is right now. The women in the world who look more attractive to him than you are all the ones who don’t know what he’s done, how he’s failed and lost and his flaws. So anyone he cares about will become less desirable over time as they get to know him better (basically the opposite of how it works for the rest of us).

  7. I’m proud of you for writing this. 😀

  8. really, he’s just giving you more material.

  9. freyjah

    What Betty said.

    The guy’s a whining crybaby cheating jerk, and so he has a negative opinion of your blog? Well, opinions are like a-holes, everyone’s got one. So what?

  10. Marianne Renoir

    Everybody’s already written what I was thinking already but just to reiterate, this blog is a huge threat to him and his martyrdom that he seems to feel he’s entitled to, despite having royally fucked you over several times. He can’t justify his bad behavior to us…we already know, objectively, that he’s a jerk 😉

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