When Back-Up Plans Become The Plan

I’ve been dilly-dallying about writing this post for months. In some ways, writing this out will make it more real for me, and in some ways it terrifies me to write it. Because what if writing it makes it not so? What if writing it curses the whole thing? This will all seem very confusing in light of recent developments in my previously existing love life, I’m sure. What if everyone says I’m crazy. But hey, it’s Independence Day, so let’s give it a whirl.

Things have been in the works, in discussion, for years in a way. But now? The back-up plan may just come to fruition. And while I am entirely glowingly delighted, I am nervous something will go wrong.

BC, my dearest homo friend, and I have been friends for nine years, ever since a summer as camp counselors in New Jersey. We’ve been through deaths in the family, break ups, horrible birthdays, living together (twice), long distance friendship, and thousands of hours talking, laughing, crying, and watching the Golden Girls on t.v.

And we’re both good little citizens. He has a great job in public service working with kids. I have a good stable job in the bureaucracy. He’s buying a home. I’m looking. We have good benefits, close families, and local friends. And all along the way, we’ve discussed the back-up plan.

The back-up plan has been around for at least three years now as a fully functioning concept. Essentially, we’d become Will & Grace. But it would actually work out in the end and not have some bizarre flashback-filled series end episode. We want to have a baby. Our baby. And to raise it- together.

 You see, through ten years and even my engagement, we both like each other better than anyone else. Well, except for the “intimate” bits. We have the same ideas about what we want as parents- education, religion, family, neighborhoods, rules, etc.  BC has been my go-to person in matters of the heart, when I needed nursed back from my surgery (even when I was living with the ex who couldn’t bother), when I needed moved in a flood, when I needed a bourbon or a shoulder to cry on.

And after a few swoon-worthy moments lately, I still want the back-up plan.

It probably doesn’t make sense to a lot of people who would argue that we should both partner off with our own kind and wait, even if we had to adopt to make it happen with our significant others. But the thing of it is- I don’t want to. And we both glow like fireflies when we get talking about it- about the logistics, about the late nights in the early years (when BC would move in with me to help with the load), about baby names.

And we both agree, neither of us would want more than a baby just like the other. Which is something I’ve always wanted to feel about whoever I had children with.  So in January while we were both in New Orleans, I floated the plan again. And he said he’s just waiting for me to say the word. On my own time.

So, am I insane? Would it really be so odd- to have a baby with someone I love dearly and who loves me back, even if we aren’t the traditional couple everyone thinks of as parents? Would it be so bad to raise a child with two people who never divorced or had drama to love it, even if they eventually paired off with other people?

I’ve been over and over it all in my head a thousand times and asked all the questions about what the future would hold if… if BC met someone. If I did. If work kept calling me out of town all the time. If, if, if. And it keeps coming down to the basics. In ten years, a thousand ifs have come up. And we have always, with grace, laughter, and a sense of humor, managed to come together stronger than ever in our love for each other.

So what if we just go through with it? I’ve already been to my doctor and gotten the long list of to-do’s for the next year to get ready- vitamins, exercise, quitting smoking, and switching out the bourbon for water more often. I’ve got an eye on the income and the finances. I’ve started to set aside a little money and scoped out the health insurance, which would cover the whole procedure.

It’s a game of hurry up and wait. But for once, I’m actually excited about a back-up plan more than the original. And I have a year to make the final arrangements. The clock (my biological one) is ticking on down at 32.

And I think, just once, I have made the right decision about a man.



Filed under Family, Friends, LGBTQ, Relationships

16 responses to “When Back-Up Plans Become The Plan

  1. This is a nice idea. The only advice I have, is.. if there is any doubt in your mind, wait a little while.

    I know I’m probably saying things that you already know, but children are such a huge responsibility and commitment. If part of you isn’t entirely sure that this is the right idea, maybe you need more time.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with raising children in a non-traditional way– but if one of you DID meet someone that you wanted to settle down with, it would make things extremely difficult. Would one of you have primary custody of the child? Would you do split custody?

  2. Wow Eleanor’s Trousers. I mean, this is just … the word huge does not even begin. Untraditional has become the new conventional these days, hasn’t it?

    There is so much to think about here. So many little and big details to consider. From who would be a full-time parent to what the routine would be when you have to travel for work, to what any significant other you or he marry would be called by this child.

    You’re not 17 and rushing into a fantastic idea you came up with while drunk. You’re not stupid. If this is truly what you two crazy kids want to do, then I wish you all the luck in the world that it turns out exactly how you envision it working. Let me know when to send a snarky onesie.

  3. I love this idea. I really and truly do. It’s very brave, but very wise.

    Love is love. If I have learned anything in my 30s, it’s that life only throws curveballs. Bringing a child into the world with the love and support of two parents who truly have that child’s best interests at heart . . . that’s the only way to do it. Who cares what the package looks like.

    At worst, your child(ren) would be raised with the love of two parents . . . at best, four. Is there anything better than that?

  4. I don’t think this is crazy. I think there are certainly logistical things to think through, and it sounds like you’ve already done that. I think the thing to do is make sure you think them through together, before they come to pass, so that you two can make rational decisions about them. Will you split custody? Will your child share time between the two of you like the child of a very amicable divorce? If you do meet someone, and want to have other kids with them, how will the first child fit into that new family? I’m not saying these questions should prevent you guys from moving forward with this plan, because I don’t think that at all. I think you just want to make sure you’ve addressed this stuff beforehand so that you both have a clear concept of how it will all work, moving forward.

  5. All I can say is that it’s a good thing that you like whiskey (bourbon). When nothing else works, there’s a really fine friend (in moderation of course).

    I am a recovering Southern Baptist and Pentecostal by choice and I drink whiskey just to piss off all the Baptists and Pentecostals that do as well but won’t admit it.

    Studied theology deeply enough to really enjoy screwing with those that think they walk on water. Currently having the best time of my life because I’ve finally got rid of those damn heavy ass chains that were wrapped so tightly around my mind.

    Luv your posts that I have perused.

  6. GYL

    Go for it! Geez, in some ways it makes more sense than doing it the ‘traditional’ way cos I get the idea that you two will always love each-other no matter what.

    So excited and happy for you!

  7. A little crazy? Sure.

    But there are crazier things going on around us each day. Just realize that there is no “perfect” situation…there are always many hurdles to overcome…I know you have thought about most of these already.

    This will take some courage and strength on everyone’s part…best of luck with whatever you decide…

  8. Shana

    I was a lurker for a long time, then I drifted away and now I’m back and have many of your posts to catch up on, hooray for me! And I am making an effort to comment more, all around, on all the blogs I read. I don’t think that having a baby with BC is any more crazy these days than buying a home or changing jobs or ending relationships. I SAY JUST DO IT. Do what makes you happy, you deserve this a million times over.

  9. Unconventional? Yes. Wonderful? Absolutely.

    It sounds like it’s definitely something you both want and for which you already have a plan. Best of luck to you both! 🙂

  10. Congratulations! I am really happy for you. You have someone you love, who loves you back. You have already built a life together. I think it is all great.

  11. this is a brave, beautiful, wonderful idea. children deserve to be loved and wanted, and a child brought into the world this way could be nothing else.
    congratulations, whatever your decision regarding the baby. because love like the one you’ve found? is so very, very rare and hard to find. to recognize it in a non-traditional form is worthy of a lot of kudos.

  12. I think it’s a brilliant idea and you both know what you’re in for and are willing to do it nonetheless. Wanna come and practice with Jack? 🙂 I could use the help right now….

  13. I think it’s wonderful. It’s going to be hard, of course. Having children is always hard. I have a 10 year marriage and a house and a job and it was no easier to adjust to motherhood than it was for my friends that are going at it alone.

    Good for you.

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