Easy Does It

Slowly but surely I am re-entering the world. I’ve moved from soup to solids with no sickness at all. After five months of getting sick every day, I am ready to sell my firstborn child and donate a wing to the hospital naming it after my brilliant surgeon, the first of five doctors who didn’t insist that I had acid reflux even though none of the acid reflux medication worked. I’m Southern, so of course I’m sending a thank you note to the surgeon, but I really want to start a web page devoted solely to the man’s awesomeness. Or a minor museum to his accomplishments. Yes, I feel that good.

The Georgia/ LSU game is on the tv, a spread of the most incredible Indian takeout food I’ve ever tasted on the floor of the living room (mmm chicken makhani is a miracle food). And while I’m here recovering from my first post-surgical hangover (yep, I threw on a new dress and went out last night), my brain is running around about relationships.

Some of my nearest and dearest married friends seem to be with people who they find easy to be with. They met, they got comfortable with each other, and from day one their relationships have been easy to be in. And I really envy them that ease. I, unfortunately, don’t ever seem to do easy. My last two long relationships always seemed like works in progress. We were “working on” issues a lot. Or telling one another what we needed to “work out.” And in reflection, I wonder why I seem to linger much longer than necessary in relationships that are so much work.

It’s like somewhere I lost that warning light that goes on when you’re dating and tells you you’re just not with the right one for you. Instead, I’m always trying to make myself over into the right one for people. If I can be more accommodating, more adventurous, less of a homebody, less likely to burst into tears in arguments, more of a housekeeper, always have dinner on the table, learn to enjoy action films and cartoons, read less, etc, etc, then I’ll be able to convince this one that I’m the girl they’ve been looking for.

But really, what I would love to find, is someone that was looking for me, just the way I am. And someone who acknowledges I have flaws, but still loves me. Someone I could stop trying to be perfect for, stop trying to fit into some awkward mold that I will never fill. I’m looking for a comfortable couch kind of love, not a sports car love, or a skydiving love, or a Friday Night Fights love. I want a cardigan sweater love. A love that feels like home.

I’m not even six months single, and really I’m not looking to start dating anyone any time soon. But I’m thinking about living easy after a week laid up. And honestly, I just wish there was someone here to share my couch. And not fight over the covers.

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10 Comments

Filed under Daily Life, Relationships, Soul Searching

10 responses to “Easy Does It

  1. Someone called my brother “titty-sucker” a few days ago, and my brother and I were talking about it. My brother’s kind of conservative (I don’t mean politically, but life-style wise) and I said to him that I really admire the person who called him that. It’s a totally HIM thing to do and he just marches on with his bad self, no matter who he’s talking to. And I wish I could be that way, but I’m not. I mold myself into whatever version of myself is easiest for whoever I’m with to be around. I don’t wear all black when hanging out with my death metal friends or anything that extreme, but it’s more my speech and mannerisms.

    I wonder who I am when I’m just being me, and if any of my friends are changing themselves in the hopes I’ll like them, and if they are, how.

    Glad you’re finally feeling better. Thank you notes are the bomb.

  2. I’ve got one of those relationships, where i’m really just accepted for who i am, and vice versa. and i’ll tell you, you don’t have to be perfect. for us, i’d say it’s a miraculous fit in terms of temperment, values, sense of humor, chemistry, and all around interests, and being able to handle our emotional shit.

    now that doesn’t mean that he or i have our shit together. i certainly don’t, noooooo, but i am able to talk about it and communicate it, try to have a sense of humor when i’m being crazy, try to acknowledge his expereince when i am stressing out and whatnot, do not project my issues onto him, don’t expect him to fix me, but make sure that if he can help, i tell him how. and he does the same. honestly, add our shared values and similar communication styles and there’s nothing really to fight about. having shared interests and similar senses of humor means that there’s more ways we can have fun together.

    but that’s me. i’m not comfortable with fighting, and hate passive aggression and mind-reading, so I tend to communicate a lot and to be happy i really need to be with someone who is like that. i’ve been in other situations, and then i did everything you wrote about–tried to change myself to make the situation feel more right. but there’s nothing wrong with what i need, which i found out only when i met someone who had the same needs.

    i have friends who get passion from fighting and powerplays and pushing and good for them, but i cannot imagine enjoying that. having all these things in common, including communication style and values makes everything easy.

  3. I hope you find the person who will make you feel like you can be yourself. Otherwise, what would be the point? You should be with a person that makes you feel like you are “coming home”. Please don’t settle for anything less than that.

  4. Rochelle

    I recommend a good book with a cheesy title ‘Women Who Love Too Much’. It’s basically about women who are attracted to the same kind of men and relationships over and over again. I had the same problem, the book didn’t solve it but it did make me more aware of things and help me to see the patterns more quickly. Now I’m out of the turbulent relationship circuit and it just feels so good to be able to trust someone, to rely on them. Sure we still fight but we’re not a couple that is constantly dealing with conflict and issues and as a result because I’m not focusing on all that shit I have time to focus on having fun, on developing my life and trying to be a good partner as well.

    Sometimes you can become addicted to the dramatic emotions, even when it’s bad it makes you feel very much alive in a way, but the nice parts of living life get away from you when you’re in constant states of tension like that..seriously read the book, it explains it well!

  5. “share the couch…not fight over the covers”…..
    awesome…
    glad youre feeling better sugar
    xoxo

  6. This sounds like me, which makes me very sad.

  7. Cheers,

    ..here’s to feeling better

  8. Janine Falcon

    Hi lady,
    Sorry to hear you’ve actually been unwell as well as emotionally wounded. Glad you’re on the recovery track. I’m on the same relationship page as you, wanting a relationship that fits every aspect of me as I am. I’m starting to realize that before I can have that relationship, I have to accept myself as I am, and not look at my quirks as failings but simply part of my uniqueness. I have the most wonderful friend who, every time I start harping on what I see as my own personality flaws, insists that they are NOT flaws, that they are simply part of what makes me me, and that people who love me love me because I am me. So now I’m trying not to obsess over my inability to get someplace on time, my tendency to climb a soapbox, my obsession with lip gloss, my compulsion to give advice all over the place… *grin* And I have to say, I’m rather overwhelmed at the thought that I don’t have to make myself over to find the right relationship, and damn, I’m looking forward to that relationship cuz it’s gonna be soooo cool. Thinking this way brings it closer. As for you, I’m so happy you know more about what you need and what you want. You have to know so you can recognize it when you meet it. xo

  9. Every relationship is different. That is the only thing I know. I am in a “easy” relationship but I also have great friends who are in fantastic relationships that they would definitely classify as “hard.” As you long as you feel loved and are happy – just as you are, I don’t think it matters much how work has to go into it.

  10. tinafrench

    Me too…

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