For some reason, the last 24 hours have been a constant replay of everything that’s happened with the ex. I spent some time trying to get the registries and wedding pages deleted which has meant several emails and phone calls to customer service reps who promise a 72 hour turnaround. These things should be simpler- who has the energy when they call off their wedding to beg and plead with The Knot or Wedding Pages? I want them all gone- ungoogle-able.

Last night I made more empanadas and a big vat of chili to save me cooking time this week. I seem to be trudging through with very little energy and it’s just too tiring to imagine cooking dinner when I make it home at the end of the day. I know it’s all fairly classic and simple depression, but knowing doesn’t make it any easier- other than in the “Take it one day at a time” way.

I thought about going back to counseling for a while just to transition, but I was so fed up with my therapist when I quit last time and finding a new one falls in the category of things I don’t have the energy to do. At least the stomach symptoms seem to be turning around. In addition to the Prilosec that didn’t work, the doctor added Zantac and wants to run some blood tests and an upper GI scan to get to the bottom of this. She also suggested I angle my bed at 30 degrees, but um, I don’t have an adjustable bed, so piles of pillows will have to do for now. Oh, and I’m supposed to cut out coffee, cheese, alcohol, and eating 2 hours before bed time. (Not making any promises on these…)

I feel like laying around whining for about six hours and then napping. BC has gotten sick of the whining, unfortunately. He’s been really great about listening, but he thinks it’s pretty obvious what a jerk the ex was, and doesn’t get my need to rehash or really why I’m sad to see him go. I’d probably feel the same way if it happened to a friend of mine, but since it happened to me, I feel like I need more time to mourn.

Giving up a whole future with someone and all of the things that go with that is harder than it seems. We’d wanted children fairly soon- not gonna happen. Were going to buy a house next year- also not gonna happen. And the thought of even contemplating those things with anyone else or starting over right now seems so exhausting that I want to put my head on my desk and go right back to bed.

I’m guessing this will come and go, rise and fade in waves, as I deal with all these details and learn to let go of those dreams. I planned for smooth sailing forever, and now, I’m back on the beach. Alone.



Filed under Daily Life, Relationships, Soul Searching

11 responses to “Dwelling

  1. I have nothing to say that will help. I feel for you. Just be good to yourself and give yourself lots of room to grieve.

    Sending you some good thoughts!

  2. There is no time limit on your grief. Maybe call someone other than BC, if he’s a little burned out on it. If the depression doesn’t go away, maybe you can mention it to your regular doctor and he can prescribe an anti-depressant until you have the strength to find a new therapist.

  3. I can totally understand why this is such a drawn-out process. I am trying to imagine what it would be like if suddenly everything I’m planning with Torsten got called off. I can’t imagine ever getting over that, much less doing it in a matter of months. Take your time.

  4. it sounds like the last thing it would have been (future with the ex) is smooth sailing. this all sounds like smooth sailing compared to what could have been with him. that said. whine away! you get to do that. and as much as you want to. i agree, though, you might want to spread it around. and i’d be whining about the rec for no cheese, coffee, or alcohol too. who in their right mind recommends that? p.s. not that you want to think about this now, but a new house and kids are absolutely possible. with or without another person, you know.

  5. I’m so sorry that it feels like you are going backwards but I think this is just part of the process. Not really comforting I know, but things will get better again. I’m sure it doesn’t help that you have to go through the whole registry-hell-nightmare and that really sucks. We are here for you, if that helps just a little.

  6. Sue

    I have horrible stomach stuff, too. Sadness makes it worse so I can appreciate that literal pain. I’ve been on hard core prescription meds for two solids years b/c I have a hiatal hernia = not gonna get better. The best bestest thing is to change your eating habits. I try really hard not to consume anything after 8 PM which really helps. I also limit caffeine to early in the day (gotta get my fix, though). And I just pay attention to what makes me sick – although it sounds like you have been sick every single day. I can eat a lot of stuff as long as I don’t push the 8 PM rule (I go to bed around 11 so it is a bit more than 2 hours). If my stomach is iffy at bedtime, I take a Maalox to supplement the prescription stuff. And I sleep with one of those upright reading pillows b/c my bed isn’t adjustable either. There are some days when I exist on turkey and cheerios, plus saltines. But after a few nights of good sleep, it doesn’t seem so awful. Once you get ahead of it, you can experiment with foods.

    On the plus side, a bland GI diet is pretty healthy. Not very comforting, I know.

  7. Giving up cheese? And alcohol? I don’t think I’d survive that diet. Good luck and I hope the meds and all that start kicking in soon.

  8. smooth sailing is overrated. while you are on the beach alone, lay back and get a tan.

    Getting a good therapist is a tough task, don’t give up though because it could be very beneficial in the end.

  9. creatist

    *hugs* You’ll get over this, I am sure. It’ll seem impossible and pianfully slow at this point, but nothing lasts forever. This too won’t be everlasting. So let it be. Instead, start concentrating on your health. Stomach cramps can lead to something more serious girl, and I really don’t want to scare you, but guess it’s time you start avoiding all that food. It must be stress and acidity, so follow the davice of your doc.
    And hang in there – you can do this. Life is so beautiful, and don’t ruin it coz of somebody.

    Cheers! and besties! 🙂

  10. my friend just had her marriage end, and she says the exact same things — it may not feel like it, but you are reacting in a normal and healthy way.

    i echo the other folks — try to spread out the venting. i also need to talk and talk (and talk) when i am going through serious doo doo, and mixing the vent up really helped me (and kept my friends sane).

  11. elewinnek

    A month is not a long-drawn-out time for grief. Sorry to tell you that. It’s probably going to keep on for a long time, and there’s nothing you can do but be nice to yourself. Try to get exercise and sunshine. Make yourself a smoothie if you don’t feel like cooking dinner. I’ve found that taking care of myself physically can be easier than taking care of myself mentally or spiritually or whatever else – and it’s all interrelated anyway. Taking up rock-climbing was how I got over my called-off-marriage.

    But you already know this, you’ve got your fabulous list of 101 things to do. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself yet.

    Strained muscles take time to heal. Broken hearts are just another strained muscle.

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