For some reason, the last 24 hours have been a constant replay of everything that’s happened with the ex. I spent some time trying to get the registries and wedding pages deleted which has meant several emails and phone calls to customer service reps who promise a 72 hour turnaround. These things should be simpler- who has the energy when they call off their wedding to beg and plead with The Knot or Wedding Pages? I want them all gone- ungoogle-able.
Last night I made more empanadas and a big vat of chili to save me cooking time this week. I seem to be trudging through with very little energy and it’s just too tiring to imagine cooking dinner when I make it home at the end of the day. I know it’s all fairly classic and simple depression, but knowing doesn’t make it any easier- other than in the “Take it one day at a time” way.
I thought about going back to counseling for a while just to transition, but I was so fed up with my therapist when I quit last time and finding a new one falls in the category of things I don’t have the energy to do. At least the stomach symptoms seem to be turning around. In addition to the Prilosec that didn’t work, the doctor added Zantac and wants to run some blood tests and an upper GI scan to get to the bottom of this. She also suggested I angle my bed at 30 degrees, but um, I don’t have an adjustable bed, so piles of pillows will have to do for now. Oh, and I’m supposed to cut out coffee, cheese, alcohol, and eating 2 hours before bed time. (Not making any promises on these…)
I feel like laying around whining for about six hours and then napping. BC has gotten sick of the whining, unfortunately. He’s been really great about listening, but he thinks it’s pretty obvious what a jerk the ex was, and doesn’t get my need to rehash or really why I’m sad to see him go. I’d probably feel the same way if it happened to a friend of mine, but since it happened to me, I feel like I need more time to mourn.
Giving up a whole future with someone and all of the things that go with that is harder than it seems. We’d wanted children fairly soon- not gonna happen. Were going to buy a house next year- also not gonna happen. And the thought of even contemplating those things with anyone else or starting over right now seems so exhausting that I want to put my head on my desk and go right back to bed.
I’m guessing this will come and go, rise and fade in waves, as I deal with all these details and learn to let go of those dreams. I planned for smooth sailing forever, and now, I’m back on the beach. Alone.