Explanations and Reparations

I seem to be stuck in this endless loop. What did I do wrong? Why did this all happen? Why didn’t I fix this? What exactly happened? It’s this ongoing stream in my head. If only I had done the dishes more often, cooked more meals, made more money, worn lingerie to bed every night, stayed out later on work nights so he didn’t have to go out alone, etc.

And all of it is so pointless. Because in my own control freak way, I have to get my brain to realize that the one thing I can’t control and never will be able to is other people. And that is amazingly frustrating when your brain wants to constantly prevent catastrophe around every corner. Because really, not everything is preventable. Variables can be controlled to a certain point, risks calculated. But if nothing else in this life, I have seen that the outcomes are almost always something I never would have seen coming.

This, I saw coming. And I pretended I didn’t. Because it was easier. Because I could stop it if I did everything exactly right. Or so I told myself. But really, when it all came down to it, the infuriating thing is that, even by his account, I did all the right things. And it still got all twisted in the end.

I guess I expected that after all my hard work, I would be rewarded with gratitude. And love- the real kind. The loyalty I feel for those people who have gone to bat for me and that I would scrap everything for if they needed me in a heartbeat. But, there’s that other person part of the equation. He was not capable of it. Or didn’t want to give it. And even said that for once in his life, he was being taken care of instead of doing the rescuing. And it made him lazy. And selfish.

And somehow, I need to wrap my head around the fact that I couldn’t go back in time and fix it. Because I didn’t break it in the first place. And my superpowers just don’t stretch far enough to reach into another person’s heart and make it right.

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12 Comments

Filed under Relationships, Soul Searching

12 responses to “Explanations and Reparations

  1. What you did wrong was simply to be unlucky. That’s it. Shit happens, even to good people.

  2. All that hard work WILL be rewarded. At some point you will put real effort into a relationship with someone who cares enough to try equally hard himself.

  3. even if you did all those things you mentioned in the first paragraph (just reading it made me exhausted, by the way) it wouldn’t have been enough. sounds like you’re doing a lot of work on your brain. when it’s someone else’s brain that needs work.

  4. Your natural instincts told you that this was going to be the conclusion months ago.

    It is nearly impossible for one person to change another person. A football coach once replied to whether or not he was suprised by one of their opponents after a game by saying, “They are who we thought they were”. He wasn’t suprised.

    Well…he is what you thought he was.

  5. Sounds like you ARE wrapping your ‘head around the fact that you couldn’t go back in time and fix it’. The pain is not over yet, but I’m betting you are making some progress.

  6. A smart lady once had me do what turned out to be a very helpful exercise when I was plagued with these sorts of thoughts and others, like “What is his problem? How I can help him fix himself? How can he do this to me when I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him?”

    The excercise was this: write down a detailed description of what his future mate is like. Her personality, her education, her ambition, her job, her down-time activities, what their relationship would be like. It helped me see that just because I was the greatest thing that had happened to him didn’t mean that I was the one for him. In fact, I was definitely not the one for him, and that was easy to see after I created, on paper, the person who was perfect for him. Then I felt sorry for him.

  7. Natasha

    From this experience, only good will come (as heard on Oprah)…eventually.

  8. creatist

    hey *hugs*
    it will tak time to heal n all such annoying thoughts will keep popping up..

    But remember, no matter what you did, it wouldn’t have changed the consequences. There are some things in life which we cannot change. No matter what.

    You understand this too. And i agree with Jess, totally. Hang on, girl..life ain’t over.. it will be beautiful again.. 🙂 just have faith in yourself and in God.

    Take care.

  9. letigreinfrance

    You had a totally normal reaction…women are trained to see things as their fault and to make it their business to just try a little bit harder in order to make things work, even when what the problem is exactly has as much to do with the woman as a fish does to a bicycle.

  10. “This, I saw coming. And I pretended I didn’t. Because it was easier. Because I could stop it if I did everything exactly right. Or so I told myself. But really, when it all came down to it, the infuriating thing is that, even by his account, I did all the right things. And it still got all twisted in the end.

    I guess I expected that after all my hard work, I would be rewarded with gratitude. And love- the real kind. The loyalty I feel for those people who have gone to bat for me and that I would scrap everything for if they needed me in a heartbeat. But, there’s that other person part of the equation. He was not capable of it. Or didn’t want to give it.”

    Oooh, this hit me in the gut. Yes, I’ve been feeling this too. My therapist (yes, I started seeing one when all of the shit hit the fan in my supposedly permanent relationship) has been helping me with this idea I hold that if I’m perfect for someone, they’ll love me. It seems like I’m going to have to do a lot of work to change this pattern in myself, because looking back, it has been around for a long time.

    Sending you hugs, and wanting you to know that there’s another chick in the ‘burgh who can sympathize with you…

    Eleanor: I’m pretty familiar with that perfection pattern myself. Big hugs back. It’s got to get better. Or we have to get coffee.

  11. annie

    You’re doing great – even if you feel terrible. You’ve sorted it out, written it down and eventually your brain will grasp it all and your heart will mend. And one day, when someone asks you about “him” you’ll say, “Who?”
    Because for that moment you really will have forgotten him. And in that moment you will realize that it’s all better.

  12. Janine Falcon

    The only thing you could have done differently was meet the right person for you.
    I spent a year trying to be perfect so someone would love me. And then I fell for a friend with whom I could be just me. That didn’t work out either, but still it was wonderful — I learned to see myself in a brighter, warmer light, that I’m strong, smart and everything I need to be to be a worthy, real person of consequence in my own right. And I’ve learned that the magic I want exists, and that it can’t be manufactured, it can’t be created in a place that doesn’t support it.
    You’ll get there, you’ll get everything you want. This painful time is part of what will get you there. Keep going.

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