I seem to be stuck in this endless loop. What did I do wrong? Why did this all happen? Why didn’t I fix this? What exactly happened? It’s this ongoing stream in my head. If only I had done the dishes more often, cooked more meals, made more money, worn lingerie to bed every night, stayed out later on work nights so he didn’t have to go out alone, etc.
And all of it is so pointless. Because in my own control freak way, I have to get my brain to realize that the one thing I can’t control and never will be able to is other people. And that is amazingly frustrating when your brain wants to constantly prevent catastrophe around every corner. Because really, not everything is preventable. Variables can be controlled to a certain point, risks calculated. But if nothing else in this life, I have seen that the outcomes are almost always something I never would have seen coming.
This, I saw coming. And I pretended I didn’t. Because it was easier. Because I could stop it if I did everything exactly right. Or so I told myself. But really, when it all came down to it, the infuriating thing is that, even by his account, I did all the right things. And it still got all twisted in the end.
I guess I expected that after all my hard work, I would be rewarded with gratitude. And love- the real kind. The loyalty I feel for those people who have gone to bat for me and that I would scrap everything for if they needed me in a heartbeat. But, there’s that other person part of the equation. He was not capable of it. Or didn’t want to give it. And even said that for once in his life, he was being taken care of instead of doing the rescuing. And it made him lazy. And selfish.
And somehow, I need to wrap my head around the fact that I couldn’t go back in time and fix it. Because I didn’t break it in the first place. And my superpowers just don’t stretch far enough to reach into another person’s heart and make it right.