How to Spend the Next Day

Thank you to all of you for your kind, funny, strong, supportive words. (Especially binaross for the list of breakup songs… I think I may actually have giggled when “Call Tyrone” came on the playlist). 

I made it through one day at work. I cried in my office and claimed to have long conference calls to sit through most of the day with the door closed. There were still some pretty close calls, but luckily my Big Bad Boss is on vacation this week. She is evil and loves to come in and ask about the wedding planning to act kind. Yesterday, it just would have added to her core of pure evil and possibly sent me jumping out my third floor office window.

As soon as possible, I dove out the door onto the bus and pulled on the big sunglasses so no one could see my swollen eyes and ask what was wrong. It’s always nice of people to ask, but as close as I am teetering on the edge right now, it would just send me into pathetic hysterics. Hugs are worse. At this point, I’m likely to cling to huggers until their shirt is soaked and they have bruises. Also not attractive.

The ex future mother-in-law offered me a ride the rest of the way home from my second bus since it looked like a thunderstorm was coming. I kind of liked the idea of being miserable trudging home alone to my dark house in the rain, but I didn’t have the energy to be that melodramatic. And at the door, she offered me the perfect thing. Pie. Chocolate raspberry pie she had just bought fresh at the farmer’s market. With instructions to eat the whole thing the minute I had an appetite again. She really is a wonderful woman (and has known her share of jerks in her time).

I mentioned to her that I was thinking of taking an incomplete in my summer grad classes while I am a total disaster, but her advice was to finish the last two weeks and stay busy, that in two weeks I’d feel a lot better and regret wallowing in my misery. Probably sound advice, but day two after you find out your fiance’ is telling another woman he loves her seems like the perfect time to wallow in my misery.

I downloaded the woman power songs recommended by yesterday’s comments. I lit a candle and sat in the dark alone on the couch and cried. And cried. And cried until my face hurt. I put on my “birth control glasses” so my contacts didn’t melt into my eyeballs. I put on the big flannel pj’s and crawled under an afghan and cried and played bad country music (“the music of pain,” according my friend J and an old episode of “Buffy”).

BC called. Because he is the best gay best friend a gal could ask for, he offered to cancel our theatre tickets for Tuesday, bring fried and chocolate and bourbon, and sit. If I could eat anything, I would be grateful, but the idea of swallowing feels revolting right now. He knows me and the fiance’ well, heard every sordid detail, and promised that until I can get angry, he’ll be angry enough for both of us. He waited an hour before even mentioning the tough time he is having with his boyfriend. Which of course made me cry. Because I was so focused on me that I hadn’t even asked how he was. And he laughed, because he’s that kind of friend. And because he hadn’t exactly expected me to worry about their latest fight when I had just called off my wedding. Thank God for BC.

Then it was back to the crying. By 10:30, I had worn myself out, so I went to bed. The (ex) fiance’ made it home around 11 from work and came upstairs to see me and let me know he was home. Which of course woke me up and started the crying all over again. He was smart enough to go downstairs and leave me in peace, so I cried myself out again by 11:30 and went to sleep.

Text messages to me from the ex yesterday:

“think about it for one week please.” (reply: you broke my heart)

“it’s not like that” (no response)

“please just think about it i want to spend the rest of my life with you.” (i wish you thought of that earlier)

“i know it was wrong” (no response)

“i don’t want to live without you in my life” (no response)

“at least talk to me please” (no response)

“you home?” (not yet)

“i get off early today yahoo 🙂 ” (no response, but really? he has “yahoo” and a smiley left in him? bastard)

“how was work i know you don’t like mondays” (i cried in my office all day)

“we can work this out i love you” (no response)

“i just want to come home” (no response)

“i just want to hang out on the couch and watch tv” (i’ll be upstairs so i’m not in your way)

God, I hate text messages. I called off work today sick because I feel like I’m dying. And me, the laptop, a box of kleenex, and 97 pillows have nested onto the bed for the long haul.

It’s the (ex) fiance’s birthday today. Happy Birthday.



Filed under Daily Life, Family, Friends, Relationships, Working for a Living

18 responses to “How to Spend the Next Day

  1. This may be cold comfort, but it was going to happen sooner or later. It’s better to happen before you have to split the wedding china.

    I broke off my engagement 4 months before a wedding years ago and it was among the best decisions I’ve ever made.

    Just stay strong. You know you did the right thing, the only thing. You protected yourself, your heart, and your future.

    My beloved ex and I split last August after many years together. It was so devastating I cannot remember any work-related thing for about six weeks. Nothing. Zilch. All I can remember is the pain. He found a sofa to sleep on until he could put enough money together to get a new place to live. You might suggest that to your ex.

  2. Agree with the Planner. It’s a very small comfort, but at least you found out before you got married. Now you don’t have to get a divorce. I know, small comfort.

    Big flannel pajamas are perfect for right now. Long walks while listening to depressing music will also be perfect.

  3. Wow – he really is following the jerk-playbook. Sending pathetic messages and trying to make you feel sorry for how badly he feels about it all. If I wasn’t clear enough about this yesterday, these kind of men never change and sure he’s sorry – he’s sorry he got caught, otherwise he would still be going along, betraying you and acting as if nothing is going on.
    I’m with your friend. I’ll be angry for you until you can take over. And you will. In the meantime, do what you have to do to get through this and take refuge in your friends. Sounds like you have some good ones.

  4. Wow, I’m so sorry about this. I only just saw your post from the weekend and wow, what a mess. But I have to say I totally agree with Christina. Your ex-fiancé is an asshole and the only reason he sounds so contrite is because he got caught. He’s not going to change and you deserve so, so, so much better than him. As much as it sucks, I’m glad you know now, before you had to deal with the legal mess of divorce along with the rest of this.

    Also, this is his fault. So he needs to find somewhere to crash until he finds an apartment. He betrayed you, he moves out. Simple as that.

  5. count me as lurker number 49. been reading for a couple of months and i have actually been rooting for this to happen. that sounds mean but i swear i have dated this guy before (note: not exactly this guy [since it sounds like that could be an actual possibility]) and i am so thankful i did not end up with him. one day you will be so thankful you did not end up with him. it sucks that you have to grieve while co-habitating. can you stay with your friend BC? what the ex did is horrible. those text messages are horrible. he is horrible. and you are fabulous. oh and finish your classes. i logged seven years of grad school. you’ll kick yourself later if you bag it with only 2 weeks left… music for wallowing: beth orton, music for anger: the donnas

  6. Nancy in CT

    This is my first time reading your blog, and my heart goes out to you. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It will take a lot of time, but eventually you will be able to take a breath again without feeling like you have a 100 pound weight on your chest. Take care.

  7. Luna

    Please, please, please stay strong and don’t give this guy another chance. I know the pain you’re working through right now. I’ve also cried so much I’ve puked, and remember laying in bed begging God to make the hurt go away. Things will get better, I promise. Mourn now, cry now, get it all out. But remember that you deserve to have a healthy relationship. You deserve happiness. And this is not the person to give you that.

  8. e.b.

    I read your comment on SK’s blog and then read the shit out of your blog. you are brilliant. and all of the other thing’s you already know about how this isn’t the end of the road for you.

    besides all of that, I think I have some perspective for you about that fuck-tard ex-fiance: you’re both adults. living in the same house. mere days after your engagement break-up. for some insane reason he thinks he has the right to come home (to the home you made together) and not be gracious enough to stay with his mother, or friend, or whomever after what he’s done. adding insult to injury, he STILL persists to *text message* you his v. limited thoughts and feelings. umm, from downstairs.

    it’s sad to me that he doesn’t know that the only way you’d ever even consider taking him back is with what my mother likes to call “a grand gesture.” and frankly, it’s too late for even that. I want these words to be comforting. I do…

    …but if his idea of healing what he’s done is by sending a fucking text message, well you’ve simply got to read between the lines there. do what I always (try) to do: be honest and do what you’d tell your best friend to do in your situation. ask yourself if you want to spend your beautiful life with someone that’s only text-message capable?

    when I’m heartbroken, I think it’s important to go through all five stages of grief. and sometimes I like to listen to music that makes me think. sometime it is sad, but it helps remind me of my own reality. getting mad and staying mad isn’t getting over it. good music to do this best by:

    Mi’Ma’amakim | The Idan Raichel Project
    Going Through The Motions | Aimee Mann
    Lesson Learned | Ray LaMontagne
    Reason Why | Rachel Yamagata
    Lazy Eye | Silversun Pickups
    Be Yourself | Audioslave
    Thrown Down | Fleetwood Mac
    A Murder of One | Counting Crows
    When You Were Young | The Killers
    Space Between | Tracy Chapman
    Two Points for Honesty | Guster
    Here I Am | Josh Joplin Group
    Foundations | Kate Nash
    Dancing in the Dark | The Boss (pay special attention to the VERY important lyric “you can’t start a fire, sitting around crying over a broken heart)

    I wish you the best, Eleanor’s Trousers.

  9. Ugh ugh ugh what a nightmare. PJs, pillows, macaroni and cheese, and watching movies I’d seen a million times before were the only things I could handle for several days after a similar event in my life. Be gentle with yourself. It will get better.

  10. Janine Falcon

    This is where fast-forwarding would be SO handy. Sheesh.
    Your jackassEx is an idiot — as is anyone who thinks I’m-sorry-I-kicked-the-shit-out-of-your-loving-heart-I-know-it-was-wrong means something other than he’s a jackass.
    Clearly he’s not worthy of you. In time you’ll celebrate that. Unfortunately, there’s this bit to get though first.
    Keep busy. Do things you LOVE to do, have always wanted to do. Spend time with people who love you, even if you don’t think you’re good company. And be kind, generous, gentle and loving to yourself.

  11. Janine Falcon

    Um… get THROUGH. I hate typos almost as much as I hate jackass-stunted-asshole types.

  12. I know it is a little silly, but baseball bats and pillows really do work. And if that doesn’t help, there is always the baseball bat. 😉

    I am thinking of you.

  13. Maybe you would consider a temporary change of phone number?

    It made me smile to see that “Tyrone” got a chuckle out of you.

    Please do send me a note if you’d like to chat. I once got unexpectedly dumped in a public park, on a corner in the Lower East Side, in broad daylight, by a looooooos-er. I know me some shock and awe.

  14. I said this before but I’ll say it again, I am so proud of you. I can’t believe the bastard had enough guts to actually TEXT you how he was feeling when clearly TEXTING is the reason for the breakup I mean come on, texting is something he should seriously reconsider. He is not a good texter.

    Your ex future mother in law sounds like a sweet woman, a saint even. I hope you eat the pie, pie should never go to waste.

    I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, I am so sorry. Hang in there.

  15. letigreinfrance

    Wow those texts make me even more angry. He’ll never change. Argh! I’m so angry on your behalf!

    Since you live in the same town as his family then it’s time he goes home to his mother..he fucked it up (several times), he has no right to be in the same space as you.

    Other music to add to the jukebox: babes in toyland (good for getting angry), hole, sleater-kinney (when you’re feeling sad).

    I really think you should keep on with the studies too, I really hope you can. You might be mad at yourself later, although I know how hard it must be right now.

    We’re all thinking of you. You’ve got an international posse ready to kick his arse if the need is required.

  16. KTS

    Hi there, I’m a first time reader/commenter and want to wish you all the best. it sounds like you have a very supportive network surrounding you, which is terrific.

    If I may — take a listen to BMFA by Martha Wainwright (if you’re not turned off by swearing).


  17. mia

    1. I can’t believe that SOB shares my birthday.
    2. You should be allowed at least a week off work.
    3. “Hugs are worse. At this point, I’m likely to cling to huggers until their shirt is soaked and they have bruises. Also not attractive. ” Even at the worst time of you life, you are extremely funny.
    4. When you feel up to it, I always find reading something funny helps. David Sedaris or Chelsea Handler are a good place to start. A Confederacy of Dunces is great too. It helps by reiterating how stupid some people are.

  18. Evil douchey bastard.

    Congrats to making it through. Stay strong, girl.

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