Things to Do When It’s Over

And I’m back where I was before. Because I am an idiot, I know. Because I am a sucker and I deserved it because of those “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” ditties people like to bandy about.

The infamous girl from the earlier text messages that the fiance’ sent is back. Actually, she really is trying to get rid of him. Which led to Friday’s text message from him to her. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” And yes, I shouldn’t be snooping through his text messages, I know.

So I called her. The other woman. And she made it clear that she has told him repeatedly to leave her alone, that she did not feel the same, that she has moved to Philadelphia and wants nothing to do with him. We were both actually pretty gracious for the whole conversation. (At least it’s a win for feminism- it could have been very catty). The fiance’, when informed she and I had spoken, so it was not in his best interests to lie, called her a “lying whore”. (Not a big win for feminism on his part).

But nonetheless, with everything else I have worked through, worked on, begged and pleaded over, it was the final straw. I may be an idiot, but I’m a bit too smart to marry someone running around telling other people they are in love with them.

So, things to do:

-Try and get some sleep tonight instead of staying up crying until I vomit like last night.

-Notify friends and family that their Columbus Day weekend is free.

-Tell as many people as possible that it is over and why so when I feel miserable enough without him to go back just to be with him and stop the pain, everyone I know can remind me why I ended it. 

-Make plans, any plans, so I am out of the house when he is home (until he gets his own place in a few weeks).

-Start eliminating all those stupid sentimental things laying around that make me cry when I look at them because I already miss his lying selfish ass.

-Give myself a few days to be miserable and sad, so I can gather the strength to get angry.

-Do anything to get the wedding dress out of the house immediately.

-Cancel my honeymoon vacation time so I can take a few mental health days to mourn when he does move out and rearrange the furniture, buy replacements for what was his, fill in all blank photo spaces on the walls, etc.

-Send my ex future mother-in-law a thank you card. When informed, she actually calmly proceeded to tell me I would always be family, that she loves the fiance’, and then called him an “asshole”. Which is the kind of lady she is. She offered to hold separate “family dinners” for the two of us, so she and I didn’t lose touch. It’s a little raw right now, so I don’t think I’m up for it, but the thought counts.

-Avoid any of the places the fiance’ and I used to go together and have mutual friends until the rumor mill works its magic, so I don’t have to explain what happened all over again to anyone who asks where he is when I walk in.

– Notify all of the wedding vendors that they have a date free in October.

-Pretend I have bad allergies. My co-worker informed me this morning that I looked like I had been crying and my face was so swollen I looked beat up. I blamed ragweed.

-Accept that I will probably cry hourly, then daily for a while, then weekly, then monthly, then annually, but eventually it’s got to hurt less than it does right now if I can just keep breathing that long.

-Lay off the liquor for a week or so, to prevent drowning my sorrows until I have some control over bursting into tears on the bus, in my office, in elevators, in the shower, washing dishes, or on public streets.

-Write long rambling blog posts to remind myself I am strong enough to get through this. That a broken heart feels horrible. That I have made bad decisions, but that does not make me a bad person. That crying until I vomit is no way to start a life together, so I better get it together and move on.

Go easy on me. It’s been a hell of a weekend.



Filed under Lists, Relationships, Soul Searching

36 responses to “Things to Do When It’s Over

  1. I have been a lurker for a short time and reading this post just broke my heart for you. I really really do know what you are going through, having gone through it more that once with a lying, cheating no-good ex-husband (yes- more than once, I did not learn my lesson the first or even second time).
    I know how hard it is to imagine things getting better but I also know what it is like to come out the other end and have a whole day go by before you realize you have not thought about him once. And then a week, a month.
    And then it’s 8 years later, and you’re remarried to a man that you didn’t think I was worthy of in those dark days, and all that in the past seems so far away. It will happen.
    But believe me when I say there will be a time of weakness, when it might seem easier to stay together than to imagine the alternative. And that is a time to remember that nothing gets better when you go backwards. And that certain kinds of men will always be that kind of man. The kind you are better off without.
    Sorry to hijack your comments. I just thought I would give you my 2-cents and hopefully it will help a tiny bit.

  2. I am so very sorry this has happened in your life. Please count your blessings that you ended it now, and not after the wedding, like I did a few years ago.

    May I also suggest that you turn off the radio and load the following songs into your ipod/itunes playlist, which is the only music you’re allowed to listen to for the next 2 weeks:

    1. “Since U Been Gone” (Jason Nevins remix) by Kelly Clarkson
    2. “Don’t Call Me Baby” by Madison Avenue
    3. “Shake It Off” by Mariah Carey
    4. “Me, Myselfl & I” by Beyonce
    5. “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie
    6. “Bounce” by Sarah Conner
    7. “The Power of Goodbye” by Madonna
    8. “Ex Factor” by Lauren Hill
    9. “Tyrone” by Erykah Badu
    10. “Apologize” (featuring One Republic) by Timbaland
    11. “Feelin’ Alright” by Joe Cocker

    Go ahead and throw some Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive” for good measure.

    Keep your head up, girl.

  3. I have only just this afternoon started reading your blog (via your comment on Stephanie Klein) and your writing is WONDERFUL! However, this is a very sad post to start reading on; I am so sorry to hear this but think you are wise to realise that he is not going to change. I usually find that chardonnay gets me through the day in sad situations but you are bravely vowing not to drown your sorrows!

  4. Semichrmd

    I too have been a lurker for a couple months (found you via SK’s blog) and this post was so raw and emotional I couldn’t help but comment. I think many of us have been where your at right now, finding out someone you loved & was going to marry isn’t the person you thought he was is never a pleasant thing, but even though you may feel like it, you have to know it isn’t your fault that he’s a douchebag. The pain that your feeling it will subside – maybe not tomorrow or the next day or even next month – but slowly and surely you’ll feel whole again. Oh and as for laying off the liquor – sweetie if there ever was a time to endulge and become BFF’s with Mr. Captain Morgan, I think now might be that time. It might make you feel better at least temporarily.

  5. i’ve also found your blog via SK’s — so sorry that this has happened. i know everyone says it, but it is true — somehow, someway, you will come through this, and you will not only be happy again, but it’s likely your happiest days still await you.

  6. I may not seem like it now, but this is a better thing to realize now than later…and, on a related note, you should break something of his.

    Not necessarily something connected to his body (we cannot condone violence), but just break something.

  7. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss.

    It is devastating, no matter the circumstances, to end an important relationship.

    Take care of yourself, reach out to everyone you can for support, and embrace the pain. That way, when it finally recedes (and it will), you will be healed.

  8. He’s an asshole.

    Sometimes we love and we don’t know why…we just do…and even when we know we need to get out of there, it takes something momentous to give us the final push.

    You just got that final push and I know it’s some of the worst pain ever, but you will come out stronger, knowing you stood up for yourself and drew a line and said “NOT. WITH. ME.”

    He’s an asshole. Let’s start calling him that on your blog, or another name you prefer…but better something evil.

  9. Luna

    What a fucktard. Be strong, lady. Surround yourself with your girlfriends, and keep reminding yourself that you deserve much, much better than an asshat like that.

  10. Yecats

    Standing ovation for doing what needed to be done …I wonder what i would do. Sorry you have to continue to live with the asshole…that part really is the pits. And, just as an aside… you sound so good for someone going through this kind of crap. I think you should take a mental health vacation somewhere far away…for no other reason but to get away from him, so that your head can clear, etc.
    All the best to you. -S

  11. mia

    I found your blog on Stephanie Klein. Glad I did. Sometime in the future this will all make sense. What strong lady you are. Many women would stick it out, but the strong ones know when to throw in the towel. Keep writing. You’re helping people out in the process.
    Effing ragweed!

  12. Oh, Eleanor’s Trousers! I am so, so sorry. If you want, please feel free to email me your wedding info, and I will call to cancel everything for you. Big hugs to you, girlie. You are totally doing the right thing – from dumping someone who doesn’t deserve what you have to give, to thanking your ex-future-MIL, to rearranging the furniture. May I also suggest that you buy a couple of new smelly candles for after he leaves? That way it won’t smell like him. (Think of all the closet space you’ll now have!)

    Again, I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do for you from SF, let me know.

  13. letigre

    Argh, that absolute dickweed. Totally brazen. Undeserving of you. I know it hurts now but as you already know, it’s for the best. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry him. What an asshole!

  14. Years ago I called off my wedding two weeks before the wedding day. My friends and family deserve credit for helping me through. One friend said a few simple words that I held onto tightly during the darkest times. She said, “It won’t always feel like this.” Simple, but very true. I know you don’t feel it now, but from someone who’s been there…listen: you are BRAVE, and you are making the right decision. You deserve better!! Turn to those who love you and trust them. They’ll help you through and you will survive this!

  15. Shit. Seriously- SHIT! I could go on and on about how small and pathetic he is, but I am more worried about you.
    Gather up all your girl friends. You need them right now.
    (Came over from SK.)

  16. Oh honey, 😦 I’m sorry.
    I’m sending all sorts of good karma and happy thoughts your way.

    Remember, no matter how shitty it is (and will be) you’ll laugh again, you’ll be ok again, you’ll survive.


  17. Once the liquor is back in the mix, add a fabulous night out with BC to the to-do list.

    I’m sorry. Stay strong.

  18. selvercy

    OMG. I just went through this about a month ago. It’ll be ok. That much I know. 🙂 Take up boxing. That’s what I’ve been doing–and I make it a point to bring a picture of him that I can stick to the punching bag.

    Some men just suck big time. Hang in there!

  19. Janine Falcon

    No wonder Eleanor’s Trousers is one of the fastest-growing WordPress blogs. Well done. LOVE the name as well as the words.
    The hardest part of recovery is letting go of all the emotion, hopes and dreams we wrap around a romantic partner. The pain and sadness we attribute to missing said jackass partner is more connected to the loss of a future we mistake for present. Some of it, too, is self-pity and self-recrimination, neither of which is particularly useful.
    Now you know. You know who HE is, finally (ick, ick, ick). You know what you do NOT want. And soon, when you can breathe again, you’ll know who YOU are, and you’ll know what you DO want. THAT’s power. It’s yours because now that jackass is out of your way.
    You’re strong because you took action. Stay strong. You have amazing support!

  20. You are so smart and I am so proud of you for leaving him. And you are so smart to get out now instead of marrying him hoping this problem would go away.

    you deserve better than that. and your to do list couldn’t be better. just make sure you rock out to some good female artists. make a list of all female songs and call it your “estrogen mix”

  21. elewinnek

    Keep hydrated. That’s what I learned from my canceled wedding. It really is possible to cry enough to dehydrate yourself. But it also eventually gets better, and the year after my broken heart was one of the best years of my life, even though it was also the most miserable year. You’ve got a good to-do list. You’re going to get through this.

  22. teapotarmy

    Saw your blog in the “fastest growing” section, so I clicked and couldn’t stop reading! Heartbreaking to read, but inspiring at the same time; I applaud your strength in capturing this whole process in writing. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and that alone tells me you’re gonna be okay no matter how miserable you are at the moment. Things can only get better from here! Good luck.

  23. Oh honey… nothing to say that hasn’t been said before, but I hope when all is said and done and you’re past this part – because you will be past it – that you’ll feel incredibly good about how brave you were to take this step. Many, many women would not have done the same and it takes incredible character to choose NOT to be in this.

    Thinking of you today….

  24. Mandy

    Just two bits of advice:
    It’s better to be alone, than to wish you were.
    Just because you are in love with someone, it doesn’t mean you are supposed to be with them.

    I can clearly remember my ex’s mom saying to me “I’m sorry my son is such an ass hole.” It helps so much to know that others that are close to him can really see him for what he is.
    Stay strong. Take long walks. Eat chocolate.
    Best of luck.

    (longtime lurker, found you through, I think!)

  25. Think of all the heartache you have avoided! What if you had kids? Then you’d be tied together FOREVER! So much better NOW than later as much as it hurts now.
    Sorry for your pain though.

  26. Oh, and WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!

  27. I have no words, but this blogging buddy is thinking of you and if you need a night in NYC – let me know!

  28. Eleanor I’m here via Green. Many years ago the same awful crap happened to me, except my ex-fiance got another girl pregnant. Miraculously I did not kick her ass or his ass. I moved home with my parents and managed to survive and create a whole new beautiful life. It seemed so awful at the time. Many times I really thought I might just drop dead from the suffering and humiliation and anger, but I didn’t. And now I’m still here, happily married to someone else and writing all about how I managed to get through it. Or, you could take the other route like my cousin a few weeks ago who caught her husband doing the same thing as your fiance and ALLEGEDLY opened up a can of whoopass on both of them. I repeat, ALLEGEDLY. But I really don’t think alleged whoopass is a very good idea either so please don’t do that because you could end up in a jail cell with pee on the floor and some awful drunk guy next to you. And a word of advice, which you’ll hear a lot of about this, even if she seemed sincere, act as if she is a lying whore, because she probably is.

  29. Here via Green Yogurt.

    Just wanted to say that I’m sorry this is happening to you and thank goodness you found out before the wedding. I think you’re being very nice, letting him stay there and all. I would have thrown all of his shit out on the streets. He’s a piece of rat penis.

  30. Oh god, sweetie.

    I’m hoping you get through this. And he is a gigantic rat penis.

    Actually, he’s worse: he’s the herpes on the rat penis.

    If you need anything, I know we haven’t e-mailed much, please shoot me one. I have a great ear.

  31. Aw, I’m so sorry this happened to you. 😦

    Wish I had something more profound to add.

  32. Ooooph. I haven’t been reading a lot of journals lately- my partner of three years broke up with me on June 1st. Just wanted to let you know I’m supporting you!

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