Today, I realized that I’m a bad grown-up. Well, I guess that’s a matter of perspective. I had always sworn to be a Toys R Us kid forever and ever, live for the moment, be spontaneous, have adventures. Apparently I am too calcified for all that now.
It was the first big Pittsburgh snow. The fiance’ and his Bad Influence Friend (BIF) had been out cocktailing and playing pool all night, and had yet to return when I trudged myself up to the bus stop this morning in the start of a real humdinger of a snowfall. He had borrowed my cell phone, so I spent most of the walk shivering and internally griping about how he never thinks of me when he does stuff like this, yada yada yada.
Arrived at work a little later than planned since the bus was taking its sweet time in the snow and dashed up to my office like a good little worker bee, diligently pulled out my recent case files and began taking phone calls and responding to the multitude of emails. At noon, the fiance’ calls- a bit of a surprise since I have a new office number, but smart boy that he is, he called my old voicemail and got the new number. Bigger surprise- he’s drunkenly begging me to leave work immediately pretending to be sick. He has a treat all planned out. He can’t imagine wanting to spend the first snowfall with anyone but me. He begs me to trust him, to leave for the day and not look back.
So, what do I do? Me? The woman who complains there is no romance in my life? I get ticked off. How dare he be drunk at noon and telling me to leave work? Doesn’t he realize my job is what is paying our bills these days? Doesn’t he understand that I would like nothing better than to be playing in the snow, but some of us have responsibilities and bills to pay. Charming, no? Turns out…. he had BIF drive him to the park where he proposed to me, hid a bottle of champagne in the snow, planned a picnic, and wanted to take me on my first sled ride. I suck. I am the Queen of Suck. I am the Mistress of Suck Castle. And, when I got home, I was still pissed off.
I love that he planned a romantic date in the snow. I love that he would rather sled with me on the first snow than anyone else. I do. But, I still wish he would understand that my work is not disposable. That without me working at this job (that I’m not even that fond of) we would be on the street, he would be without the good cable, and he would be without beer money. And the way he chose to show me he loved me was to pressure me to risk my job. By saying all of those wonderful old carpe deisms.
I know I only get one time through on this life. I know that, I do. But I also know that what we do today has repercussions for tomorrow. That one day of fun could send the very fragile financial house of cards I’m propping up down all around me. That as much as I regret saying no, I would have regretted losing my job more. And that makes me mourn that Toys R Us kid inside me. Because she totally would have gone and worried about tomorrow when it came. And she wouldn’t be mourning her loss of romance for her gain of adulthood.
But then again, she would be out in the snow tomorrow looking for a new job in the cold.
(photo courtesy dkimages.com, Dave King)